After a Christmas Eve filled with rain, cold, and virgin eggnog…
I retired, to try and get a few hours sleep…
Okay, so I didn’t sleep with visions of “sugarplum colored containers” dancing in my head…
But…I got up this morning, and raced to the Christmas tree…
Only to remember that we didn’t have one. Oy.
But, there it was… stuck to the TV Set;
A note… addressed to me, held in place with a gooey peppermint candy cane (that looked suspiciously like it had been hurled up by a sick reindeer who’d been eating chili);
This is Santa… that jolly fat guy with the beard that isn’t your “weird Uncle Ernie”. You know the one I mean… the uncle that lives at the penitentiary.
I just wanted you to know that Christmas is gonna be a little bit light, this year. You see, people are getting stranger by the minute!
I started off the year like I always do, “googling” each household, to find out “who’s been naughty and who’s been nice…” and quite frankly, it’s no wonder the dinosaurs disappeared. I suspect that one of them was a psychic, and figured out how people were gonna turn out, once they crawled out of the primordial ooze…
But, I know how you are about “statistics” so here’s the meat of the data;
I Googled “naughty or nice.”
The first result showed:
I couldn’t believe my eyes, so I ran the numbers again. The second result showed:
I know that, even for you, the indicators are clear;
I really can’t, in good faith, fuel up the reindeer (man, they love that mistletoe chili!) and head out into what’s left of the ozone, to deliver presents, all the while knowing that it’s just a “crap shoot”, and I could make a big mistake.
C’mon, try and understand, some of you are just plain nuts!
I can barely afford the liability insurance! I’m not kidding!
Hey, I’m up to my “Ho-ho-ho” in litigation right now, what with the elves trying to “organize”.
To make matters worse, those PETA crackpots are giving me grief about “reindeer abuse”, and then there’s that ACLU nonsense about my trying to “restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought” because of my theme song;
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I’m telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows when you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness’ sake.
Like I could actually control kids! If I could, I’d bottle it and then retire to Tahiti on the profits!
Anyway, it looks like Christmas is going to have to take one for the team, this year.
Sure… Maybe Joshua finally started behaving.
I mean, there hasn’t been a suspicious fire in Biloxi for a week now. I mean, it COULD happen… maybe… when pigs finally fly in formation over the White House dropping… um… er… “encouragement” from the sky, onto the heads of those elected officials that are there to spread “tidings of good will throughout the land” in the first place….
So, in direct violation of the “new” work statutes those “nasty little unionized midgets” drafted and posted for all to see…
… I have enlisted the help of the some of the elves who remained loyal to me (and even the Mrs. who is just back from getting a much needed “lift and separate” surgery… on her er… um… well, she’s back from the “spa”… with a rack bigger than Blitzen’s!) to assist me in making sense of the numbers.
It’s turned out to be a daunting task, and much larger than we first envisioned. Unfortunately we missed the deadline this year, so I’m having to let this holiday season slide, like Joan River’s last facelift… We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December 2010, but there is a good possibility that it might take even longer.
You see, like an idiot, I bought some “bargain basement” HP computers with new Intel Processors (man, I’m gonna get those Ebay guys!) and now… I’m stuck in a tech-support loop with a guy in Mumbai.
And the scanners I bought on sale on Ebay aren’t helping matters any. First, the shipping cost more than the danged computers! Don’t even get me started… Next year those Ebay brats are gonna get a stocking full of rocks, let me tell you!
And the economy has drive the price of toys up into orbit! My operating budget graphs look like a rollercoaster diagram at Disneyland! (Hey, you try balancing a budget when every kid in the world wants a “Transformer” or an “Action Barbie with genuine gold plated high heels“…)
Anyway, it appears that the scanning software is having trouble reading the checkmarks the elves made (I guess I should make them cut back on the “spiced eggnog” during working hours… and now the blasted thing can’t read the datasheets.
Good, bad, um… whatever???
So now that you’ve awakened this Christmas morning and there are no presents under your tree (by the way, WHERE did you hide your tree?) at least you can tell Joshua this story.
And hey, Joshua is young and he’ll probably forget this eventually, with the help of a good therapist.
Thank you for your patience and understanding in these trying times… or, like it or lump it, Buddy!
PS. One peep out of you and I swear you’ll be moved from the “whatever” list to the “naughty list” for the rest of your life! You aren’t the only one with a middle finger, Bub!