My “Alternative House” Goals and Objectives…

23 Jul

Welcome to ALTERNATIVE HOUSING 101.8:

Last time you visited (well probably not the “very” last time…), we talked about what my house will look like, from the “curb.” It’s a house from another planet, according to locals. You see, I’m building it out of “garbage and recycled materials.” You know, stuff like recycled aircraft hangar components, and used 40′ shipping containers. You’d be amazed what you can do, if you put your demented little mind to it…

I know the blog took a turn when that stupid forum gave me the boot, but… we’re back on track now, no thanks to them. Still no word, by the way. I’m still ranked as a “forum felon.” LOL!

The appearance of the house has been a trial, literally. This has actually been my biggest headache to date. The powers that be are afraid that my house is going to resemble some kind of industrial junkyard! Because of it’s nefarious origins, it’s doomed from the start, in the eyes of the “nay-sayers” around here.

It’s my own fault, really. I mean, what was I thinking? I want to build a house out of “steel collars” and  “shipping containers” in the rural South, where most people still live in the 50’s.

I suppose playing the theme song to “Mayberry RFD” during my County Commission Hearing wasn’t such a good idea, in after thought… LOL!

Hey, Andy would have killed to live in this house! And since he was the Town Sheriff, he’d have gotten away with it! He would have just blamed it on “Otus” or maybe “Barney.” Heaven knows how many things you could have blamed on that idiot!

I’ll tell you, what I told those simpletons in Jackson… You’ll never know the house’s origins, when we get the cladding on. Honest. It’s just a real fast way of building the shell, so that we can get inside, as quickly as possible.

(Now, Superman could see it, I suppose. But you don’t get “Superman genes” from a lifetime of eating grits and fried catfish, so I think I’m safe…)

So, I’m sure that my house is going to attract a lot of attention, and I’ll get a lot of “drive-by looky-loos.”

I’m going to set the house as far back as possible on the lot, so if I screen it with some trees and bushes, I figure that I can charge a “tour” fee! Yeah buddy!

After all, every third house here has a “Tours by Appointment, Donations Gratefully Accepted.” sign in front of it. My sign is just gonna read; “Gimme.”

Enough of that, let’s get to the point of this post;

The house is basically two offset “wings,” with each wing serving a dedicated purpose. One wing will house all the “common” spaces (living room, kitchen, laundry room, dining room, and play room…), and the other one will house the “private” (bedrooms, bathrooms, and office) spaces.

After months of arguing… um… er… discussing what we really “need” (as opposed to “want”), here’s the list of our goals and objectives, in no particular order;

Our house will have 3 Bedrooms, with connecting baths. The plan we’ve settled on allows for “floor to floor” isolation, with a comfortable connecting staircase.

It will have multi-use areas. I need a place to use as a “research and design center.” I know that once I build this house, other people will want to do what I’ve done, as well. And, I’m gonna help them as much as  I possibly can. That’s gonna take up some space.

(And, as an “added bonus,” it’s gonna piss off my “naysaying” neighbors! What a 2’fer that is!) LOL!

It’s a tall house. So, the staircase is a rather “prominent” feature.

I wanted a “U-Shaped staircase.” I have a “soon to be toddler.” He’s a terror, and he’s “wicked” smart, already. So, just in case he slips past the guards., and hops the security fences, I want a staircase that will stop his “escape plans,” by design.

A “U-shaped” staircase has been proven to be more “kid friendly” and results in much fewer injuries in a home with monsters running around loose.  It takes more labor to construct, but it saves the kid broken bones and contusions…  A small child just doesn’t “fall” as far, if he’s trying to make an escape. He rolls to a stop.

(Hopefully, I pray fervently that we’ll never, ever test the theory.)

Plus, I can use the “unused corners” to haul ducts up and down the house, connecting everything together…

So, a “U-Shaped” staircase it is…

I thought about just installing an elevator. It’d solve a lot of problems. And, the controls would be high enough to prevent a toddler from taking trips throughout the house, unchaperoned.

Now, elevators are expensive, and they use a lot of energy, unless you just look at them for what they are, and use your ingenuity.

Unfortunately, “Planning and Zoning” got real testy with me, when I suggested that I might just build a big “plate lift” to span the floors. I actually saw veins popping out of foreheads.

When I told them the “elevator backup power” would be a gear-driven hand-crank, they just about lost their minds. It was priceless! I haven’t laughed so hard in years!

Now, where was I?

Daddy works from home. It’s a requirement because of Mom’s illness, and the little terror we spawned. Somebody has to be the object of torment for that little monster and I guess it’s me… So, an office goes on the list. “It’s the “dad space – enter at your own peril.”

I’m gonna paint a sign that reads “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here… Argh!”  to hang over the door.

Mom needs her space to heal and feel comfortable, so we need a Master Suite set-up, that will allow her to have everything she needs, close at hand. No trips up and down stairs.

“Momma needs nice. Momma deserves nice. She‘s been through a LOT.”

I need a place big enough for the boy to explore, and play in. He’s just turning 9 months old, and he’s got a “baby passport” that is just begging for visas. I need to fuel his imagination and his sense of security, by giving him all kinds of stuff to crawl over, paw through, and put in his mouth.

In most places, they call them “recreation rooms.” In this case, we call it “Baby Prison.” It’s basically the entire second level (the 3rd floor, if you count the garage/ground floor).

We live to eat around here. It’s our only real source of “pleasure.” So, I’m going to build a nice big kitchen that can double as an “entertainment space.”

A “Great Room” configuration will do nicely, connecting kitchen to living room. That breakfast bar is going to get a lot of use.

The Dining room is just an extension of the Living room, and connects the “wings” of the house to each other. It’s actually a multi-purpose room, as it’ll work as a “laundry folding area,” and a “crafts area” for the boy, as well…

Attached to the Dining room is a small laundry room, and a powder room. The powder room doubles as a “pre-rinse area,” for both boy and the puppy I’m still fighting Mom to get…

(I’m heavily in favor, Mom is dead set against!)

We’ll build lots of decking, so that we can go outside, and enjoy the humidity and mosquitoes.

Actually, I’m probably gonna end up covering most of the deck areas with a screen lanai, so it’s habitable. Insects are brutal here…

In some of my last posts, I included floor plans, that might be useful. You’d think I’d just reinsert it here, but I’d rather make you go back, and read the “other” posts. So there!

(Hey, it’s my blog, I can do what I want…)  LOL!

Stop that! Spitting at your monitor can cause electrocution!

And that’s it, in a nutshell. Next time, we’ll tear it apart, room by room! I’ll even throw in the floorplans, and  some renders, to make it more interesting…

Stay tuned!

BTW: I don’t really dislike “southern people.” My entire family tree is rooted in the South. (Granted, our family tree grows straight up, without a single branch…) It’s just that I keep running into these characters that want the world to stop spinning, and keep their town in “stasis” forever. I know that progress in the South is generally not considered a really good thing, but sheesh… I’m just trying to house my family. Gimme a break, would ya? It’s not like it’s “rural.” I’m literally surrounded by casinos, crack-houses, and crime. We need a house that is safe, secure, and bulletproof…

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