Of Impending Hurricanes and Housing… or… “Gustav Get Lost!”

29 Aug

First off…


This blog post contains strong language, and possibly even the implication of an adult theme.

So kids, go play with your brothers and sisters, or watch Disney! Or Barney will come over to your house, and eat your puppy! He’ll do it! I swear he will!

Now I know that usually, I’m all “informative and entertaining, whilst brainwashing you about the merits of living in steel boxes,” but…

Before you get all “uppity” and stuff… I’m just trying to add a little humor to what is looking like a pretty bad situation. There’s a lot of stress here, right now, as we wait to see whether or not Mother Nature is gonna give us another disastrous spanking.

As Tropical Storm Gustav bears down on us here in coastal Mississippi, we do what everybody else is doing…

We wait to see how big a hurricane it’s going to spin itself up to. Experts (like they really know anything) are predicting that it’ll make landfall southwest of New Orleans, and I’m figuring that it will probably scatter some debris around the storms did last time.

So, it’s “hurry up and wait.” Ronin hates “Hurry up and wait…” (Grumble, mumble, snort!)

And since I’m not good at “waiting patiently” for anything…

In order to keep myself busy (an outta my wife’s hair), I started looking at ways to gain shelter from the storm… Hell, I even have Bob Dylan playing in the background, for “theme music…” Guess which tune?

And I came across this little gem…

While it doesn’t seem very practical as a place to hide from a hurricane, it does seem like a good place to “park in plain sight” of all those miscreants you married into, the next time your wife browbeats you into ruining a perfectly good weekend by visiting all your kinfolk, collected together at some “impossible to find” campground out in the middle of nowhere, for a  family reunion.

Whew! Try saying all that in one breath, sober!

Why sleep in a tent, or rent an expensive hotel room (the next time your wife drags you to that annual “husband-haters” convention) when you can show off in your portable “fishbowl lodge!”

Nothing says; “I’m a success, and you’re still just dumb-assed, broke rednecks!” like your own “Solar powered Plexiglass Palace Retreat,” dropped smack dab in the middle of those relatives you’ve hated since you inherited them from your wife!

Plus, if it rains (like it usually does) you won’t get get wet and muddy with those “three-toothed yokels” you barely speak to, and you can watch them make fools of themselves from the warmth and safety of your mobile “command center!”

This baby has all the comforts of home! You get your luxury double bed, a few bedside lights (LED lamps, you know! We gotta stay “global warming friendly!”), a NASCAR print duvet, enough pillows to drown out your significant other’s snoring, a fully carpeted floor, a couple of window blinds, a dressing table & light,  a mirror (so you can see the hillbillies behind you as they turn green with envy), big comfy reclining chairs instead of those stupid folding contraptions that always pinch your ass, a big flat screen HDTV with a satellite dish (so you don’t miss the big race, and football games!), a DVD player with a collection of your favorite porn DVD’s, enough air conditioning to turn your “private space” into a freezer, a heater (just in case she’s not “feeling the mood”), and a illuminated headboard, that throws shadows onto the blinds, so the relatives have something to talk about when they get home…

After all, you did spend your last three pay raises on your wife’s new boobs, didn’t you? Why not let the in-laws see and maybe even hear her “appreciation?” Hey, they just graduated to “Daddy’s special squeeze toys with an audience!”

It even has a refrigerator for your beer and beef jerky, a hot plate with instant Ramen/coffee making facilities, a bathroom with a bio-degradable toilet (why on Earth would you want a toilet to bio-degrade? Isn’t that counterproductive? What would you sit on?) and a washbasin and an “outdoor shower”… with real running water (not that fake “non-running stuff” that comes outta plastic jugs).

And let’s not forget the “roof mounted anti-theft device” (the remote control, belt-fed machine guns) put there to keep those sneaky penny-pinching bastards from trying to steal your imported beer.

You get all of this, in a see-thru polycarbonate box measuring 160 square feet (twenty feet long by eight feet wide) with great views of the campground, albeit a bit deficient in privacy (but real cool if you’re an exhibitionist or a porn star!), and for only a hundred bucks a night, plus delivery!

Billy Bob, our family “Director of Sheep,” said: “It was great! Ma almost fell off her tractor when she saw it! And those bastards got to enjoy the festivities, drink cold beer all through the night and then climb in to a nice big comfy bed, where “Baby was hammered and all primed up for lovin! You shoulda heard ’em go at it!”

Because not everyone who goes camping wants to sleep in a cold, drafty, bug-ridden tent – so this is “the ultimate alternative,” and you’re almost guaranteed to get “lucky.”

(Because if your wife ain’t feelin’ frisky you’ll be surrounded by girls with no qualms about sleeping with “their cousins or relatives…” I guarantee!)

So rush out with your three teeth and your bad self, and get on the reservation list, today!

And don’t forget to wear those “assless chaps” and the “wifebeater” that Ma got you for Christmas last year! Because nothing say; “Never invite that $%^#@!! again!” more than ass-less chaps and a wife-beater. Except maybe some goth mascara to go with ’em… And clogs. Clogs, made outta goatskin  are good…

And when they ask you if you’ve seen little Billie’s “lost” goat, you can just clack your clogs together, and deny everything, while you casually turn the goat ribs you’ve got smokin’ on the BBQ…

Yeah, buddy!

And relax John-Boy, they take Walmart Credit Cards… At least, I think they do…

I gotta get me one of these!

Okay, okay…
It’s not really just for “Rednecks.” But, it could be “for you.” This is a real “Travelodge Hotel Experience” (minus the machine guns, and the NASCAR stuff) and it’s coming to a neighborhood near you, soon. Seriously. They’re talking abut making these available to the public. So, camping out at that next NASCAR race could get pretty interesting, huh?

One Response to “Of Impending Hurricanes and Housing… or… “Gustav Get Lost!””

  1. mormJomperb September 24, 2008 at 3:27 pm #

    first time i have read your blog i have RSS bkd you, please post more.


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