Americans brace for an “Expanding War!”

15 Nov

As Thanksgiving and Christmas approach, Americans all across this nation of ours begin to prepare for war…

The enemy is crafty, calculating and cunning. It disguises itself so that it can hide among us, without fear of being discovered, until… it’s too late!

But fear not! I, Ronin, Master of All I Survey (unless my wife is looking), will save you!

It’s not enough that I have to toil and sweat, building my house out of Shipping Containers and recycled Aircraft Hangar parts, huh? It’s not enough that I have to teach you how to save energy! It’s not enough that I have to school you on how to save the environment, and put some hard earned cash back into my.. your pockets! Now, I have to keep you from stuffing your faces so full, that you all start to look like the family portrait of the Pillsbury Doughboy! Sheesh!

Why? because…

During the Holidays, Americans will consume everything they can stuff into their mouths! It’s true! How else can you explain those atrocities of nature… Fruit Cake?

I know that you’ve all gone “Green,” and you’re all practicing “recycling,” by re-gifting this toxic brick of an alleged desert from family ancestor, to family ancestor… but stop it, okay? Nobody wants it. LOL!

In order to save the world, we have to “think out of the box!” And because I’m a savvy opponent, and because I’m well trained… (I was once even a Boy Scout for about 35 minutes) I have come prepared!

I have single-handedly, all by myself, and without assistance (I might add), developed a new “Handy Dandy Ronco Sledge-O-Matic 3 Step Diet” concept which is so amazingly simple, that I think it just might work.

(And, I had to keep it simple, because I know my reader base. You rubes are lucky to get past looking at all the pictures!) LOL!

Okay, maybe I had a “little assistance…”

  1. Chop everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) into little tiny bite sized pieces. This will assuredly burn several calories as you chop and dice your ass off.
  2. Use toothpicks or BBQ skewers to pick up the pieces and then stuff them in your mouth. Why? Because the stabbing motion of the toothpick burns more calories, you dolt! You should only need to use 1 toothpick per sitting. Do not use one toothpick in each hand. That’s cheating! If your toothpick frays or falls apart, then it is time to quit eating. Pay Attention! Don’t eat the toothpick, or you’ll starve! Well, okay… I don’t want you to have to learn too much all at once, so don’t eat the toothpick until last, okay?
  3. If you can’t pick up the piece of food with the toothpick, then don’t eat it.

And my way could work, because you don’t have to count calories, or even your fingers, unless you’re missing one after you’re through eating!

Hell, because I’m a good sport… I’ve even condensed this so you can print it onto a post card, and hang it on your refrigerator!

If you try this (I haven’t, simply because I like the extra girth in the cold weather… and I’m deathly afraid of those wooden Popsicle sticks and even wooden spoons… Thanks Mom… ), drop me a line and let me know how it works out, okay?

I’m curious to see how it works, and you rubes are all just my “cyber guinea pigs” anyway…

After all… its not what you know, its who you know… and now you know me. And I obviously can’t be trusted… LOL!

Got ya!

Stay tuned!

The Renaissance Ronin

FYI: This diet is based on one that I shamelessly lifted from another blog. I’ve modified it extensively, and therefore, it’s mine, I tell you… It’s mine! LOL!

Actually, the original creator of this diet scam is “putaruffleonit.” However, she seems like a kind, thoughtful, religious lady who only wants what is best for you, and thus, she would never tell you fat bastards to stop eating and start getting healthier.

I, on the other hand,  have no such problem. After all, if you die of cholesterol crimes, I won’t have anyone to pick on, now will I? Hmmm?

And I was just teasing about you all being illiterate, incompetent, knuckleheads… I was just having a bad day. My son Joshua peed on me again… the lil #%$@!!