Christmas in Container Home-land…

19 Dec

You know…

You can’t play with plasma cutters all day, every day. As much as I’d like to, sometimes I have to step back from the shipping container (soon to be a Container Home), put all the tools away, and just sit down to rest.

After all, I’m not getting any younger, especially not with a two year old terrorist living in my house, trying to kill me at every turn. 😉

So, we’re gonna take a break from the “Cult of the Corten Container Church” today… and talk about “the holidaze…”

For some reason, here at Container Home Central… people send us Christmas cards.

Now, I’m sure that they know we’re Jewish, because we have everything but a Menorah stenciled (in spray on snow) on our front window.

And aside from the suspicion that they’re still trying to recruit us into their own “special brand of religion” (just kidding…)

I’m starting to realize something about this “tradition;”

It appears that you Gentiles really need to spend a considerable amount of time and planning to insure that you’ve delivered “the maximum effect” for that Yuletide Greeting!

Stuff like timing, size and quality are evidently really, really important!

Well, here’s something… Even us Jews get caught up in this contest! But, you can’t do like I do, and rush to get everything taken care of, before the Thanksgiving Turkey has even hit room temperature! Noooooooo!

Why not?

Well, apparently… sending Christmas cards too early is not only ineffective…  it can be really humiliating!

It’s like giving the competition “early warning.” It reveals your “social position”, it reveals your resources (the size and quality of card), and it gives the enemy a chance to levy a devastating “counter-attack”.

And, if you’re late sending out that little piece of Christmas Cheer… a late Christmas card runs the risk of shaming the recipient into sending you a crappy one back, thus reducing your own incoming “quality card  Christmas Haul.”

So, it’s better to be early, but not TOO early.   Remember, you’re not trying be the starting gun… you’re trying to just set the pace, and compel your neighbors to think about that “perfect” card,  just for you and yours.

Why would you do this?

Well, if they’re in the card section at the store, you’re gonna have more time to yourself in the toy section, right? Hmmm?

Let’s face it, a kid without that “most desired of toys at Christmastime” can be a real downer…

Plus, it means that you’ll get a really good card in return… and in the end, it’s still all about you, right? I mean, you actually WANT people to see those incoming cards, and use them to determine your social status!

Especially the ones that fold out to form “pop-up” diorama’s and stuff!

Am I right? Huh? Admit it. It’s okay, We’re all adults here… mostly. 😉

And in spite of what they “say”… like everything else, SIZE MATTERS!

Important people (or at least people who are actually foolish enough to think they are important) send big, gawdy, intricate, life-sized or even sparkly, glittery, shiny… looking Christmas cards.

Why do they do this?

It’s easy. They do it to assert their “largess” and make you feel small in comparison. It’s okay to acknowledge it.

They just know the rules of the game, that’s all…

They want you to know that they’re the “big dawgs”…

Having their card on your mantel makes them the “big dawgs” in YOUR house too! It’s an invasion, I tell you! 😉

Now, if you want entry into this “club”, it’s gonna cost you, but supposedly it’s usually worth it.

And don’t forget that there is a time and place for everything, including those “cheap and dirty”  Christmas cards.

You know the ones I’m talking about… the ones that are “4 for a buck” at the dollar store. You can tell these from the rest because the ink smears when you touch them, the envelopes are the wrong color,  and they smell like Santa’s butt (after he’s sat in that sleigh for 250,000 miles in a row)…

These are the “real cards.”  This is the “meat and potatoes” of Christmas Cheer. They’re the ones that insure your “prey” that you’re “in the game” completely!   Just using them insures that you send this message to the recipient:

“This card totally embodies my feeling about your family during this festive Yule… and yes, it eagerly implies bad taste, poverty or blatant disrespect to you and your seventeen idiot children who leave their toys in my driveway.”  😉

PS. I want off your Christmas card list.

I love these cards! These are particularly effective for ending pointless long term Christmas card exchanges with those people you met in 1984 at a rest stop outside the Ozarks, whom you can’t even put a face to, any longer.

And, here’s a “Christmas card rule to live by”;

Avoid the urge to do a “drive-by” Christmas Card.

You know… That “first-time” Christmas card sent on impulse to that guy or girl you just met on the Internet, or at work. These cards can have devastating consequences.

Some of those cards will send an “unintended invitation” to show up on your front porch, completely unannounced, with six other losers that you don’t even know…  to drink all your “Christmas Cheer” and eat all your fancy shortbread Santa Claus cookies.

You know, the ones that come in those  cool little tins! Nothing is more fun than sitting on the couch biting the head off Santa, while the kid tears through the house with his toy trucks! Vroom vrooooooom!

Merry Christmas!

FYI: Ma is keepin ’em busy, while I weld the doors shut on their Lexus… Let ’em stand in the rain until the tow-truck gets here… That’ll teach ’em… the “door-crashin’ knuckleheads!”

And… Yes, it’s “satire.” I’m just kidding.

I’m not really a cruel, heartless, mean-spirited Grinch of a  miscreant…

Wait, yes I am!  It says so right here – in this card I got from my mother-in-law.

Never mind… 🙂

Note: I can’t take “complete” credit for this post – it’s my own “parody” of a post I read a while back… I only wish I could remember where it was, so I could credit THAT author, too!
“If it be YOU”… contact me, okay?
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2 Responses to “Christmas in Container Home-land…”

  1. Julee December 19, 2009 at 4:24 pm #

    lol

    oh how I’ve missed you! 🙂

    • renaissanceronin December 19, 2009 at 5:06 pm #

      I know…

      It’s because us “Jew-Fu’ers” move stealthily.

      But if it’ll make it easier, I’ll slow down so that you can have a better chance of hitting me… 😉

      We’ve missed you too…

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