Survival Gardening:101

13 Feb

Oy Vey!

Apparently, even in “Containerville”… it’s “Gardening time”.

How do I know that?

Well, the price of tomatoes is thru the roof, the last thing that got “tossed” around here was Joshua’s “cookies… um… er… dinner”…

I haven’t had a green salad since the Bush Administration, and even Walmart is having a special “truckload sale” on bags of soil.

Whatever happened to the good old days… You know… when you just dug a hole in the yard and then threw the seeds in? Huh?

People actually buy bags of DIRT. Oy Vey, what is this world coming to? 🙂

And this gave me pause to think. And we all know that is NEVER a good thing…  😉

Okay, beyond thinking it was time to hide until next winter, to avoid the gardening…

Once again, because of that furry little rascal Punxsutawney Phil, or whatever his name is,  it’s time to break out the rake and other assorted weapons of yard destruction, and commit an act of  aggression against groundhogs… um… er… your lawn.

And while we’re on the subject… “Punxsutawney”? Why not “Pittburg”? Or “Psychotic”? Or even “Premeditating”? At least I can spell those, without having to consult an Internet dictionary. Oy.

And why are we letting a Groundhog tell us what to do, anyway? I mean, what do they weigh?

About 6 pounds? Ten? I could take him… Probably.

It’s not like I don’t already have enough to do…

I’m trying to get some 20′ ISBUs ready for internal modification/fabrication, as we turn these little Corten Steel boxes into Mobile Medical Clinics, for service to the Haitian people ravaged by the earthquake in Port Au Prince.

I’ve got several pairs of family members building ISBU homes, who are trying to figure out where Tab A is, and how to get it into Slot B.

I’ve got email to catch up on…

I mean, I get about 120 emails a day. Okay, so about 80% of them are to tell me what a j@ck@ss I am… and a few are even spam.

But… some of them are really important. I’ll have you know that I’m a lost Prince of Nigeria, and I’ve won eleventy-gillion dollars. All they need to send me my cash inheritance is a copy of my driver’s license, my social security number, my address, and two valid credit card numbers (just to confirm my identity, of course)… So you guys better start showing me some respect…  😉

But since the recent rain softened up the yard, and I won’t need a jackhammer to carve out some room between the weeds, it’s time to make like Mr. Rogers and proudly yell out, to anyone who will listen… that age old catch phrase that every little kid knows by heart;

“HEY! Get yer butt outta my yard! I’ll turn the hose on YA! I’ll do it! I will TOO!”

Wait, that’s not it…

And then, once the crowd of “Nosy Parker” little kids is dispelled, who just wanted to see which “overly enthusiastic” door-to-door salesman you were burying… this week…

Your outdoor space is all cleared out before you know it, the weeds are cleaned up (by tossing them into the neighbor’s yard…), and your newly cleared acreage is ready to be turned into the biggest, wiltiest, droopiest patch of crabgrass that you ever saw…

Wait, that’s not it either…

But whether you’re gonna create “Green Acres” or just few “pots fulla goodness” that you’ll position over and over again on the patio because your wife can’t make up her freakin’ mind about where they look the best… um… er… never mind…

You need to take stock of your situation. After all, you show me a loser, and I’ll show you a person who didn’t have a good enough plan.

And you show me a guy with a really lousy garden, and I’ll show you a guy whose “significant other” is probably putting at least a  size 8 to his butt!

Remember, “forewarned is forearmed”, or a 5 yard penalty, or something like that…  🙂

Over the next few weeks, in between dazzling you with ISBU project after ISBU project, I’m gonna help your significant other make you pull more weeds, plant more seeds, and grow more stuff, than Johnny Freakin’ Appleseed.

And, I’m gonna start it all out by introducing you to a new “tribe member”, so we can all give them the good old “RR” welcome, and put em’ thru the ringer… After all, it’s what we do, huh? 😉

‘Kay?

Because in order to:

  • Save your butt from your significant other’s boot,
  • Save your family from getting scurvy,
  • Safely house your tribe, and…
  • Keep that Utility guy outta your yard…

You have to  eat, too.  After all, you need your vitamins. You ain’t getting any younger… Right?

And just so you know, I’ll be soaking my mail in a bucket of water, just to make sure it don’t go boom. This ain’t my first rodeo…

Enjoy the gardening… 😉

Muuuwwwahahahah!

Stay tuned.

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3 Responses to “Survival Gardening:101”

  1. clarkscottroger February 14, 2010 at 4:38 pm #

    Looking forward to your Department of Plant Life and new member of the team. (Interesting thing about that, I have started to add a new ‘person’ to the Doctrine. Only thing is she apparently is ‘virtual’ which is technical jargon for ‘made up’. Really.) (Works for almost nothing though.)

    Anyway…about the plants.
    I am in an area with totally bad soil, so a formal garden was tried and reason prevailed, so I stopped trying.
    But since I like the idea of growing things, I have started what I like to call Vegetable Olympics. (aka Darwins Garden).

    What I do is go to the local feed store, walk up and down the isles of seeds (flowers and vegetables) grabbing packets at random. When I get tired (or run out of money) I take the seeds home, carefully prepare the soil in a corner section of the yard, put all the seeds in a bowl.
    Mix thoroughly and then spread out in the garden…may the best species win!

    …er I take it you are going to be a little more technical than that?

    Will be watching the site.

    (Hats off on your Hati efforts, nice to see good work done just because…no PR companies, celeb endorsements..just because).

    (www.wakefielddoctrine.com)

  2. hydroponics February 15, 2010 at 2:53 am #

    Gardening [posts] were really beneficial. I am sure may will read this post because it is full of learning.

  3. John February 15, 2010 at 4:46 pm #

    Hmmm. Interesting read. It’s my first time here. I feel like I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in. But what I really want to say is I’m a proponent of any kind of gardening anywhere and by any method. As long as it works. And I’m all in favor of using any kind of containers for anything that’s practical.

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