England reacts to Obama Re-Election

10 Nov

“The Boss” is on the road, taking care of families, slaying dragons, delivering babies and saving souls.

So, we thought we’d throw our backs into it and take some of the load.  Man… there’s a lot of “load”. Since Tuesday, all hell has broken loose here at “RR Central”.

While we try to dig ourselves out of the muck, we thought we’d share this with you;

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded immediately.

A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you actually noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

(Please look up ‘vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.

Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.

If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.

Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.

It should also be noted that New Zealand is also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

God Save the Queen.

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2 Responses to “England reacts to Obama Re-Election”

  1. James Burns November 10, 2012 at 11:13 am #

    I like your sense of humour RR. The US needs a new revolution to bring about real change and get rid of the trash in Washington. Now that’s not to say the UK is any better but there is always hope.

    • Renaissance Ronin November 10, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

      We’re pleased that you saw the “satire” in it.

      You wouldn’t believe the hate mail we’ve received for running this post.

      (We can’t wait to see what the boss has to say when he returns to the office after what seems like weeks flogging around in the elements as he assists others.)

      While we are poking fun with this post, it must be said that here at RR, we are ALL dedicated to aiding families globally as they struggle to become self-responsible and self-reliant.

      While these are commendable traits at any latitude and longitude, (and any point in history), they are especially commendable with faced with rampant inflation and leadership that seems to forget that in order to rebuild a failing nation, the families tasked with rebuilding it must come first.

      For those of you that are disappointed that we sometimes visit these “seemingly controversial topics”, we suggest that you get your “alt housing fix” over at Dr. Geiger’s blog.

      http://www.naturalbuildingblog.com

      Owen is “wicked smart”, extremely knowledgeable and more than capable of assisting you in your endeavors.

      Cordially, RR Staff

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