Tag Archives: Christmas

Christmas “Good Eats” on a global scale!

24 Dec

Okay, so you’re sitting there trying to figure out how to feed the hoard that is beginning to show up on your porch.

(For the life of me, I don’t know why or even HOW they show up here. I actually moved over 2,000 miles to get away from those Pantry and Refrigerator emptying” miscreants! 🙂

So, as we put up the welders and the tools and even (gasp!) turn off the computers…  as we close the doors on all those ISBUs we’re converting into homes…

Here’s some ideas, for those of you on a culinary quest that want to “visit the Holidays” on the Global Scale.

Global Goodies

Hey, this beats the heck out of that fruitcake that you’ve been using as a doorstop since 1967… huh?

Happy Holidays!

Santa’s packing up his “shipping containers” and heading out! :)

24 Dec

Okay, so Santa calls it a SLEIGH… Tomato, tomatoe! 🙂

We saw this and thought it so cute that we’re reposting it…

10-christmas-facts

Happy Holidays, you guys!

May the Season bring your families JOY, PEACE and LOVE…

Around here, we’re expecting “relatives, food shortages and beer theft”… wanna trade? 🙂

from: The RR Staff 😉

What? I can’t AFFORD the “12 days of Christmas”!

24 Dec

On the “First Day of Christmas”…

You better have won the lottery, bucko.

Times have sure changed since “the days of olde” when that tale got transcribed. They probably didn’t have “Twinkie Killing Unions”,  stifling inflation, rampant unemployment, idiot politicians, or increasing tax rates…

However, they did have an abundance of LOVE, Compassion and Kindness toward others less fortunate.

Today we ask you to spend a moment thinking about some small thing you can do to help someone less fortunate.

Drop a toy into that “Toys for Tots” box. It’s NOT too late.

Drop off a $20 bill at the “Homeless Kitchen” to help them prepare warm meals for “those without”…

Call your idiot brother in law and tell him that you’ll forget about the $1200 bucks he’s owed you since 1992, if he’ll go buy some toys and drop them off at a local church for distribution to needy kids…

We’re putting up the welding gear and stowing all the tools. We’re sending people home to their families, after long 6o hour weeks grinding and spraying and just generally making mayhem in the fab shops.

We’ve given out the “Christmas Bonuses (both fiscal and liquid)” and watched as the masses trample each other trying to get to the parking lots. And as they “jockey for position”, trying to get out into the Holiday fray… I’m just gonna sit here and ponder the season…

I’m gonna break out the calculator…

12-days-of-christmas-priced-out

You’ll excuse me now… I gotta go to the local convenience store and buy some “Scratch-off” tickets…  🙂

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays!

24 Dec

From all of us here at Renaissance Ronin…

No saber-rattling today…


We wish for you and your family the very happiest of  Holidays and a Happy New Year!

PS. We’re having venison for dinner tomorrow…

It’s being home-delivered… tonight! :)

“Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer…

Had a very crunchy crust…”

Image Credit: Courtesy of the elves at Google Images!

Holiday “Miracle” or Grinched?

7 Dec

Hey, I know this is “off-topic”;

…but I want to hear about any and all things you guys and gals  have found out there that will  help make the Holidays better for our families.

I don’t care if it’s an “atta boy” or an “OMG”, I want to hear about it.

This is going to be a very tough year for many of our families. Let’s band together to make it as happy and bright as possible, huh?

I want you the share both your triumphs and your tragedies.

Found a great item or reseller? Tell us!

Found a scoundrel that needs a good lump of coal in their stocking? Tell us that too!

Who’s gonna be first?

And just wait till my turn!  Boy, do I have a doozy for you!

 

 

The “Santa” Sequel

26 Dec

Man, Christmas was a tough day!

Joshua got up, expecting toys, and sugarplums,  and candy canes, and all he got was an old dented can of peaches (in heavy syrup!) with a big red bow on top.

I had to tell Joshua that Santa had finally given up on bringing presents to little boys and girls, and was probably checking himself into rehab, courtesy of that Dr.Drew character we keep seeing on TV.

Oy! That kid howled and howled until the sugar rush from that peach syrup finally wore off! I thought he’d never go to sleep!

And, it took FOREVER for that EXTRA STRENGTH TYLENOL to finally kick in.

Ever been pummeled in the head with a one pound can of peaches by a hysterical child? I didn’t think so!

So, while I got up today and prepared my icepack (for my concussion) and my black coffee, eager to shake visions of my howling two year old terrorist out of my head, I finished watching the security tape of Santa leaving a message stuck to my TV.

You know, for a spry old guy who can fly around the planet in one night, and squeeze down any chimney ever built… he was moving awful slow and he had a bandage on his face.

Now, I figured that he was just stumbling  around in my living room because he was bringing bad news…

But I received  this in my email  (anonymously no less), this morning…

Somebody’s gonna get coal in their stocking for YEARS!

And finally, I can actually say that I didn’t have anything to do with  it!

So, since I’m “Scott free” on this one…

(No relation to those “Clark, Roger or Scott” characters at http://www.wakefielddoctrine.com)

Stay tuned!

Because right after I hide this other can of peaches so that my kid doesn’t try to kill me with it… again…

Next time, we’re gonna start a three episode series on finding that “perfect place to call home”.

After all, those shipping containers you’re converting into an affordable home have to go SOMEWHERE, right?

See ya tomorrow!

A message from Santa about “Statistics”

25 Dec

After a Christmas Eve filled with rain, cold, and virgin eggnog…

I retired, to try and get a few hours sleep…

Okay, so I didn’t sleep with visions of “sugarplum colored containers” dancing in my head…


But…I got up this morning, and raced to the Christmas tree…

Only to remember that we didn’t have one. Oy.

But, there it was… stuck to the TV Set;

A note… addressed to me, held in place with a gooey peppermint candy cane (that looked suspiciously like it had been hurled up by a sick reindeer who’d been eating chili);

Dear Ronin;

This is Santa… that jolly fat guy with the beard that isn’t your “weird Uncle Ernie”. You know the one I mean… the uncle that lives at the penitentiary.

I just wanted you to know that Christmas is gonna be a little bit light, this year. You see, people are getting stranger by the minute!

I started off the year like I always do, “googling” each household, to find out “who’s been naughty and who’s been nice…” and quite frankly, it’s no wonder the dinosaurs disappeared. I suspect that one of them was a psychic, and figured out how people were gonna turn out, once they crawled out of the primordial ooze…

But, I know how you are about “statistics” so here’s the meat of the data;

I Googled “naughty or nice.”

The first result showed:

428,534,120 Good
428,523,119 Bad

I couldn’t believe my eyes, so I ran the numbers again. The second result showed:

428,534,118 Good
428,523,121 Bad

I know that, even for you, the indicators are clear;

I really can’t, in good faith, fuel up the reindeer (man, they love that mistletoe chili!) and head out into what’s left of the ozone, to  deliver presents, all the while knowing that it’s just a “crap shoot”, and I could make a big mistake.

C’mon, try and understand, some of you are just plain nuts!

I can barely afford the liability insurance! I’m not kidding!

Hey, I’m up to my “Ho-ho-ho” in litigation right now, what with the elves trying to “organize”.

It’s gotten so bad that I’ve had to spend the “toy money” to hire bodyguards!

To make matters worse, those PETA crackpots are giving me grief about “reindeer abuse”, and then there’s that ACLU nonsense about my trying to “restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought” because of my theme song;

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I’m telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows when you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness’ sake.

Like  I could actually control kids! If I could, I’d bottle it and then retire to Tahiti on the profits!

Anyway, it looks like Christmas is going to have to take one for the team, this year.

Sure… Maybe Joshua finally started behaving.

I mean, there hasn’t been a suspicious fire in Biloxi for a week now. I mean, it COULD happen… maybe… when pigs finally fly in formation over the White House dropping… um… er… “encouragement”  from the sky, onto the heads of those elected officials that are there to spread “tidings of good will throughout the land” in the first place….

So, in direct violation of the “new” work statutes those “nasty little unionized midgets” drafted and posted for all to see…

… I have enlisted the help of the some of the elves who remained loyal to me (and even the Mrs. who is just back from getting a much needed “lift and separate” surgery…  on her er… um… well, she’s back from the “spa”… with a rack bigger than Blitzen’s!)  to assist me in making sense of the numbers.

It’s turned out to be a daunting task, and much larger than we first envisioned. Unfortunately we missed the deadline this year, so I’m having to let this holiday season slide, like Joan River’s last facelift… We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December 2010, but there is a good possibility that it might take even longer.

You see, like an idiot, I bought some “bargain basement” HP computers with new Intel Processors (man, I’m gonna get those Ebay guys!)  and now… I’m stuck in a tech-support loop with a guy in Mumbai.

And the scanners I bought on sale on Ebay aren’t helping matters any. First, the shipping cost more than the danged computers! Don’t even get me started…  Next year those Ebay brats are gonna get a stocking full of rocks, let me tell you!

And the economy has drive the price of toys up into orbit! My operating budget graphs look like a rollercoaster diagram at Disneyland! (Hey, you try balancing a budget when every kid in the world wants a “Transformer” or an “Action Barbie with genuine gold plated high heels“…)

Anyway, it appears that the scanning software is having trouble reading the checkmarks the elves made (I guess I should make them cut back on the “spiced eggnog” during working hours… and now the blasted thing can’t read the datasheets.

Good, bad, um… whatever???

So now that you’ve awakened this Christmas morning and there are no presents under your tree (by the way, WHERE did you hide your tree?) at least you can tell Joshua this story.

Did you really think I was gonna tell him myself? Heavens no! I’ll have you do it. People already hate you, so you should be used to it!

And hey, Joshua is  young and he’ll probably forget this eventually, with the help of a good therapist.

Thank you for your patience and understanding in these trying times… or, like it or lump it, Buddy!

Sincerely,

Santa

PS. One peep out of you and I swear you’ll be moved from the “whatever” list to the “naughty list” for the rest of your life! You aren’t the only one with a middle finger, Bub!

Christmas In the Container Homeland…

24 Dec

Okay, so it’s Christmas-time in our “Container Homeland…”

In light of the fact that the weather is horrid and I’m afraid to go outside with all the nuts running around trying to buy last minute presents…

And it grows closer to that time when Santa will load his sleigh, and fly from the North Pole to places “hither and yon…”

I look at the melees at Walmart and I’m reminded that people have forgotten that the really cool thing about Christmas (aside from the religious significance), is the attitude of the people trying to fool Santa into thinking that they’d  been good ALL year long…

So, I thought I’d take a moment to post  some of “Ronin’s Observations About the Holidays” to remind some of us what is really going on…

Stuff like this;

When caught up in the Christmas Madness and surrounded by crazed shoppers…

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

Remember Campers, H1N1 is everywhere.

I decided to buy a friend a book for Christmas. So, I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman behind the desk;

“Excuse me… Where’s the self-help section?”

She actually said:

“If I told you it would defeat the purpose.”

My neighbor says that the main reason Santa is so darned jolly is because he knows “where all the bad girls live”.

Hmmmm…

At that book store, I overheard another customer ask that same saleslady;

“Excuse me, Ma’am… I’m going to buy a Christmas present for my new girlfriend. What do you think she’d like?”

She replied;

“Does she like you?”

He answered:

“Well, yeah, I think so…”

And she said;

“Well, if she really likes you, apparently she’ll like anything.”

And I hope that I don’t make the same mistake I made last year;

In our house, we celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas, so that Joshua doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on something fun.

Josh got a toy, and I bought my wife some expensive perfume… and I gave my brother-in-law a pistol I’d had for years.

And when I was wrapping them, I put a ‘flowery’ note in her present saying:

“Honey, I hope that you love this and that you’ll try it out on yourself sometime really soon…”

When she opened it up and read the note, she got a really weird look on her face, and then just gave me one of her;

“There’s a reason people are afraid of Indians, Paleface… ” look…

I had accidentally given her the pistol.

And last… I had to take a bus to another town to go shopping recently. How do Santa’s reindeer know to cross at that yellow “Deer Crossing” road sign?

More later. I have to fight off an old lady and her seven kids… to make sure that Joshua get’s this “Talking Elmo” Doll he’s been seeing on TV… Thank goodness I know Jew-Fu!  Oy!

And now… Enjoy the Movie… without further interruption;

Stalking Santa… for fun and profit!

20 Dec

Greetings!

No Container Home Post today! No wild rantings about insulation, or ISBU’s, or even interest rates!

I wanted to, but my wife said my blood pressure was already too high! 😦

So… Instead, let’s just all spend some time with our families and just enjoy the season, huh?

Here’s some “Christmas Cheer” to make you laugh…

Now  I warn you in advance that some of these are a little bit “cheeky”.

Watch ’em at your own risk.

Oy – Oy – Oy!

From my family to yours…

Merry Christmas…

You Gentiles, you!

Know that we think of each and every one of you! 😉

Christmas in Container Home-land…

19 Dec

You know…

You can’t play with plasma cutters all day, every day. As much as I’d like to, sometimes I have to step back from the shipping container (soon to be a Container Home), put all the tools away, and just sit down to rest.

After all, I’m not getting any younger, especially not with a two year old terrorist living in my house, trying to kill me at every turn. 😉

So, we’re gonna take a break from the “Cult of the Corten Container Church” today… and talk about “the holidaze…”

For some reason, here at Container Home Central… people send us Christmas cards.

Now, I’m sure that they know we’re Jewish, because we have everything but a Menorah stenciled (in spray on snow) on our front window.

And aside from the suspicion that they’re still trying to recruit us into their own “special brand of religion” (just kidding…)

I’m starting to realize something about this “tradition;”

It appears that you Gentiles really need to spend a considerable amount of time and planning to insure that you’ve delivered “the maximum effect” for that Yuletide Greeting!

Stuff like timing, size and quality are evidently really, really important!

Well, here’s something… Even us Jews get caught up in this contest! But, you can’t do like I do, and rush to get everything taken care of, before the Thanksgiving Turkey has even hit room temperature! Noooooooo!

Why not?

Well, apparently… sending Christmas cards too early is not only ineffective…  it can be really humiliating!

It’s like giving the competition “early warning.” It reveals your “social position”, it reveals your resources (the size and quality of card), and it gives the enemy a chance to levy a devastating “counter-attack”.

And, if you’re late sending out that little piece of Christmas Cheer… a late Christmas card runs the risk of shaming the recipient into sending you a crappy one back, thus reducing your own incoming “quality card  Christmas Haul.”

So, it’s better to be early, but not TOO early.   Remember, you’re not trying be the starting gun… you’re trying to just set the pace, and compel your neighbors to think about that “perfect” card,  just for you and yours.

Why would you do this?

Well, if they’re in the card section at the store, you’re gonna have more time to yourself in the toy section, right? Hmmm?

Let’s face it, a kid without that “most desired of toys at Christmastime” can be a real downer…

Plus, it means that you’ll get a really good card in return… and in the end, it’s still all about you, right? I mean, you actually WANT people to see those incoming cards, and use them to determine your social status!

Especially the ones that fold out to form “pop-up” diorama’s and stuff!

Am I right? Huh? Admit it. It’s okay, We’re all adults here… mostly. 😉

And in spite of what they “say”… like everything else, SIZE MATTERS!

Important people (or at least people who are actually foolish enough to think they are important) send big, gawdy, intricate, life-sized or even sparkly, glittery, shiny… looking Christmas cards.

Why do they do this?

It’s easy. They do it to assert their “largess” and make you feel small in comparison. It’s okay to acknowledge it.

They just know the rules of the game, that’s all…

They want you to know that they’re the “big dawgs”…

Having their card on your mantel makes them the “big dawgs” in YOUR house too! It’s an invasion, I tell you! 😉

Now, if you want entry into this “club”, it’s gonna cost you, but supposedly it’s usually worth it.

And don’t forget that there is a time and place for everything, including those “cheap and dirty”  Christmas cards.

You know the ones I’m talking about… the ones that are “4 for a buck” at the dollar store. You can tell these from the rest because the ink smears when you touch them, the envelopes are the wrong color,  and they smell like Santa’s butt (after he’s sat in that sleigh for 250,000 miles in a row)…

These are the “real cards.”  This is the “meat and potatoes” of Christmas Cheer. They’re the ones that insure your “prey” that you’re “in the game” completely!   Just using them insures that you send this message to the recipient:

“This card totally embodies my feeling about your family during this festive Yule… and yes, it eagerly implies bad taste, poverty or blatant disrespect to you and your seventeen idiot children who leave their toys in my driveway.”  😉

PS. I want off your Christmas card list.

I love these cards! These are particularly effective for ending pointless long term Christmas card exchanges with those people you met in 1984 at a rest stop outside the Ozarks, whom you can’t even put a face to, any longer.

And, here’s a “Christmas card rule to live by”;

Avoid the urge to do a “drive-by” Christmas Card.

You know… That “first-time” Christmas card sent on impulse to that guy or girl you just met on the Internet, or at work. These cards can have devastating consequences.

Some of those cards will send an “unintended invitation” to show up on your front porch, completely unannounced, with six other losers that you don’t even know…  to drink all your “Christmas Cheer” and eat all your fancy shortbread Santa Claus cookies.

You know, the ones that come in those  cool little tins! Nothing is more fun than sitting on the couch biting the head off Santa, while the kid tears through the house with his toy trucks! Vroom vrooooooom!

Merry Christmas!

FYI: Ma is keepin ’em busy, while I weld the doors shut on their Lexus… Let ’em stand in the rain until the tow-truck gets here… That’ll teach ’em… the “door-crashin’ knuckleheads!”

And… Yes, it’s “satire.” I’m just kidding.

I’m not really a cruel, heartless, mean-spirited Grinch of a  miscreant…

Wait, yes I am!  It says so right here – in this card I got from my mother-in-law.

Never mind… 🙂

Note: I can’t take “complete” credit for this post – it’s my own “parody” of a post I read a while back… I only wish I could remember where it was, so I could credit THAT author, too!
“If it be YOU”… contact me, okay?