Tag Archives: Santa Claus

The “Santa” Sequel

26 Dec

Man, Christmas was a tough day!

Joshua got up, expecting toys, and sugarplums,  and candy canes, and all he got was an old dented can of peaches (in heavy syrup!) with a big red bow on top.

I had to tell Joshua that Santa had finally given up on bringing presents to little boys and girls, and was probably checking himself into rehab, courtesy of that Dr.Drew character we keep seeing on TV.

Oy! That kid howled and howled until the sugar rush from that peach syrup finally wore off! I thought he’d never go to sleep!

And, it took FOREVER for that EXTRA STRENGTH TYLENOL to finally kick in.

Ever been pummeled in the head with a one pound can of peaches by a hysterical child? I didn’t think so!

So, while I got up today and prepared my icepack (for my concussion) and my black coffee, eager to shake visions of my howling two year old terrorist out of my head, I finished watching the security tape of Santa leaving a message stuck to my TV.

You know, for a spry old guy who can fly around the planet in one night, and squeeze down any chimney ever built… he was moving awful slow and he had a bandage on his face.

Now, I figured that he was just stumbling  around in my living room because he was bringing bad news…

But I received  this in my email  (anonymously no less), this morning…

Somebody’s gonna get coal in their stocking for YEARS!

And finally, I can actually say that I didn’t have anything to do with  it!

So, since I’m “Scott free” on this one…

(No relation to those “Clark, Roger or Scott” characters at http://www.wakefielddoctrine.com)

Stay tuned!

Because right after I hide this other can of peaches so that my kid doesn’t try to kill me with it… again…

Next time, we’re gonna start a three episode series on finding that “perfect place to call home”.

After all, those shipping containers you’re converting into an affordable home have to go SOMEWHERE, right?

See ya tomorrow!

A message from Santa about “Statistics”

25 Dec

After a Christmas Eve filled with rain, cold, and virgin eggnog…

I retired, to try and get a few hours sleep…

Okay, so I didn’t sleep with visions of “sugarplum colored containers” dancing in my head…


But…I got up this morning, and raced to the Christmas tree…

Only to remember that we didn’t have one. Oy.

But, there it was… stuck to the TV Set;

A note… addressed to me, held in place with a gooey peppermint candy cane (that looked suspiciously like it had been hurled up by a sick reindeer who’d been eating chili);

Dear Ronin;

This is Santa… that jolly fat guy with the beard that isn’t your “weird Uncle Ernie”. You know the one I mean… the uncle that lives at the penitentiary.

I just wanted you to know that Christmas is gonna be a little bit light, this year. You see, people are getting stranger by the minute!

I started off the year like I always do, “googling” each household, to find out “who’s been naughty and who’s been nice…” and quite frankly, it’s no wonder the dinosaurs disappeared. I suspect that one of them was a psychic, and figured out how people were gonna turn out, once they crawled out of the primordial ooze…

But, I know how you are about “statistics” so here’s the meat of the data;

I Googled “naughty or nice.”

The first result showed:

428,534,120 Good
428,523,119 Bad

I couldn’t believe my eyes, so I ran the numbers again. The second result showed:

428,534,118 Good
428,523,121 Bad

I know that, even for you, the indicators are clear;

I really can’t, in good faith, fuel up the reindeer (man, they love that mistletoe chili!) and head out into what’s left of the ozone, to  deliver presents, all the while knowing that it’s just a “crap shoot”, and I could make a big mistake.

C’mon, try and understand, some of you are just plain nuts!

I can barely afford the liability insurance! I’m not kidding!

Hey, I’m up to my “Ho-ho-ho” in litigation right now, what with the elves trying to “organize”.

It’s gotten so bad that I’ve had to spend the “toy money” to hire bodyguards!

To make matters worse, those PETA crackpots are giving me grief about “reindeer abuse”, and then there’s that ACLU nonsense about my trying to “restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought” because of my theme song;

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I’m telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows when you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness’ sake.

Like  I could actually control kids! If I could, I’d bottle it and then retire to Tahiti on the profits!

Anyway, it looks like Christmas is going to have to take one for the team, this year.

Sure… Maybe Joshua finally started behaving.

I mean, there hasn’t been a suspicious fire in Biloxi for a week now. I mean, it COULD happen… maybe… when pigs finally fly in formation over the White House dropping… um… er… “encouragement”  from the sky, onto the heads of those elected officials that are there to spread “tidings of good will throughout the land” in the first place….

So, in direct violation of the “new” work statutes those “nasty little unionized midgets” drafted and posted for all to see…

… I have enlisted the help of the some of the elves who remained loyal to me (and even the Mrs. who is just back from getting a much needed “lift and separate” surgery…  on her er… um… well, she’s back from the “spa”… with a rack bigger than Blitzen’s!)  to assist me in making sense of the numbers.

It’s turned out to be a daunting task, and much larger than we first envisioned. Unfortunately we missed the deadline this year, so I’m having to let this holiday season slide, like Joan River’s last facelift… We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December 2010, but there is a good possibility that it might take even longer.

You see, like an idiot, I bought some “bargain basement” HP computers with new Intel Processors (man, I’m gonna get those Ebay guys!)  and now… I’m stuck in a tech-support loop with a guy in Mumbai.

And the scanners I bought on sale on Ebay aren’t helping matters any. First, the shipping cost more than the danged computers! Don’t even get me started…  Next year those Ebay brats are gonna get a stocking full of rocks, let me tell you!

And the economy has drive the price of toys up into orbit! My operating budget graphs look like a rollercoaster diagram at Disneyland! (Hey, you try balancing a budget when every kid in the world wants a “Transformer” or an “Action Barbie with genuine gold plated high heels“…)

Anyway, it appears that the scanning software is having trouble reading the checkmarks the elves made (I guess I should make them cut back on the “spiced eggnog” during working hours… and now the blasted thing can’t read the datasheets.

Good, bad, um… whatever???

So now that you’ve awakened this Christmas morning and there are no presents under your tree (by the way, WHERE did you hide your tree?) at least you can tell Joshua this story.

Did you really think I was gonna tell him myself? Heavens no! I’ll have you do it. People already hate you, so you should be used to it!

And hey, Joshua is  young and he’ll probably forget this eventually, with the help of a good therapist.

Thank you for your patience and understanding in these trying times… or, like it or lump it, Buddy!

Sincerely,

Santa

PS. One peep out of you and I swear you’ll be moved from the “whatever” list to the “naughty list” for the rest of your life! You aren’t the only one with a middle finger, Bub!

Stalking Santa… for fun and profit!

20 Dec

Greetings!

No Container Home Post today! No wild rantings about insulation, or ISBU’s, or even interest rates!

I wanted to, but my wife said my blood pressure was already too high! 😦

So… Instead, let’s just all spend some time with our families and just enjoy the season, huh?

Here’s some “Christmas Cheer” to make you laugh…

Now  I warn you in advance that some of these are a little bit “cheeky”.

Watch ’em at your own risk.

Oy – Oy – Oy!

From my family to yours…

Merry Christmas…

You Gentiles, you!

Know that we think of each and every one of you! 😉